Journaling, Mom and Grandma Ostler

So I'm not a very good journalist. I don't write in my journal every day. I think I'm more like my dad. If there's something really important, then I'll write about it. And even then, I might not. So I'm pretty sure I wrote in my journal last year when my mom died. And it's now been nearly one year. Only one week left. So at the passing of my Grandma Ostler, I thought I'd write something about the two of them. I don't know how long this will take me, maybe I'll have this published on the 15th! That would be cool. So anyhoo. Starting with last year. . .

We visited my mom in the 3rd week of Vanessa's life. Our purpose was to have her blessed on her one month b-day. And she was. I have never seen my mom so happy! She smiled so much! She couldn't talk, and moving looked strenuous. She could barely hold little Vanessa's foot when we placed her on her chest. It was beautiful. Mom got to be there for her blessing. All the Stevens crowded into my parents tiny room. Plus my siblings (not Allen, though. I wonder if mom would have wanted him there?) So the next day was when we had scheduled to leave. I knew the time was close and I thought by us leaving she would be able to leave sooner. It looked like a Hell to her. She couldn't even read. That would certainly be Hell for me! Anyhoo, I placed her on mom's chest that morning and she held her foot and smiled and I think she might have known we were leaving, I don't know. I said goodbye and had mom kiss Vanessa. Then I left and bawled my eyes out. I told Jimmy to take Lorien in to say goodbye. And Jimmy said that mom waved to her! I cried and cried. We left, despite my desire to stay with her till the end. I still wish we had stayed, but Leda insists that she wouldn't have been able to find peace if she didn't have that one on one with dad at that time. Who knows. Julia and Helen flew out Monday, and we played Tuesday, then Wed morning 3:15 I think it was, dad called and told us. We didn't cry at first, and it was hard to go to sleep, in fact I don't think I slept. We were going to rent a van to take out to UT. That way we'd be together. We probably should have saved dad's money and taken two cars. Oh well. So the funeral was very sad. We all kept our composure's. I don't think any of us were thinking too hard about it. The struggle she had been going through was too fresh in our minds and most of what I was feeling was relief that she could finally go to Heaven. Of course the selfish part of me wished Heavenly Father could have healed her and we wouldn't have had to experience that at all. But we're doing pretty good, I'd say. He must have needed there, or she needed a break from the worry she always felt down here.

So for me the dressing was the hardest part with mom. The funeral was good 'cause I got to do what I loved and what mom had taught me. I was busy and just couldn't cry then. I felt like I should have cried more. But I get my chances to cry about it all the time. We went home and went on with life. It helped that I had a sweet little baby to take care of. Jimmy helped me be strong too. He would hug me all the time. I would stand at my daughter's doorway wondering if Grandma Stolp ever came to visit. Lorien said once that Grandma Stolp was a ghost and I asked her how she knew and she said that she told her. There was one other story I just can't remember. Lorien had a few dreams with her in them. I don't think I'll be able to remember them. Maybe Leda will comment. (So we think one of the dreams was that Grandma was in the hallway and Lorien was going out to say "hi" to her). As life goes by, my brain turns to mush, and I kick myself that I didn't write these things down sooner! I wonder if my mom ever felt that way. She had a journal, but swore she would take them to the grave with her. She didn't write much, but what she wrote was always about how she wanted to be better, or contemplating the lesson in church or something she read in the scriptures. Every once in a while she would write something about us kids. How happy she was, I haven't gotten to my teenage years yet. I don't know that she wrote much then anyway. Oh well. So where was I. . .

So another thing I remembered was when we were all gathered around Allen's living room and we were saying "nice" things about mom. (That was dad's stipulation) So afterward, Lorien told dad that he forgot to ask her! So dad said, "What do you remember about grandma?" And she said "I remember she waved at me." She was remembering two days before when we left for CA.

Oh yeah so after mom's funeral I took Julia and Helen back with me to CA. The visit was a little subdued, but we had a good time. We got to go to the beach and I think we went to the mall. That time is a little fuzzy in my head. I think I was trying to shut things out. I can't remember. I think I block things out if they were too hard for me to deal with. Like I can't remember very much of my life before I moved to Ut to go to the U. I was really mad at my best friend. So people who I supposedly was good friends with before could walk up to me to say "HI" and I wouldn't remember. Anyhoo, so after my sisters left I concentrated really hard on my little family. I started to read more books. I decided to collect the Lemony Snicket books because my mom liked them. So I wanted to find out what it was all about. I didn't do dishes much and vacuumed even less. (The wall thing Scott has would have been nice:)

Thanksgiving was really really hard! I think I cried all day. I didn't have to cook since we were at my mother-in-laws. I couldn't sit at the table for the prayer. I lay in bed and cried. I remembered all the Thanksgivings with her. The bland dry turkey, the bland gravy, the bland mushy stuffing, I think we might have had broccoli, I can't remember, the orange jell-o with carrots in it (ugh), the scrumptious pies we made the day before! There was so much about Thanksgiving I remembered.

We went to my dad's on Christmas. It was much better than Thanksgiving! I had my sisters and my dad, and it was almost like old times. Just one huge factor missing. But still, part is better than none. We had a great time! We went to my mom's grave site, which I hadn't seen since her funeral. Dad took Lorien, Helen, Valerie and me ice skating. Lorien said she hated it the whole time. And I reminded me of my mom when I got mad at her. And when I started having a miserable time too. Then my dad came to the rescue and helped Lorien. It was great to be there with them. We watched movies and played games and I helped make food. I played the piano and sang a lot! Julia and I made stupid sock creatures. We had a b-day party for Lorien. Her cousins from Jimmy's side came. We did a treasure hunt! It was so much fun. Then they made crowns and stuff with the things they found. Lorien had a cake all to herself (it was the small piece of a wedding cake) but she wanted a cupcake since everyone else had one. Funny girl. It was easier to go home this time since I didn't have to say bye to mom.

The first part of the year was just fine. I had a b-day (and my Lemony Snicket collection was finally complete!) I read all the way up to book 9 before going to the Ostler Family Reunion. I was planning on not going because I didn't get the dates to Jimmy on time and the other fork lift drivers had July off. So they couldn't let him go. Jimmy told me to go, 'cause if I didn't I'd be like a missionary who extended her mission. You know, watching for that date and crying as it passes by. I'm very grateful Jimmy said I could go. I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to see Grandma then and be a part of he life again for a couple days. It was sad to see her like that. She kept asking me what the plans were. I don't think I got too frustrated with her, except when Lorien was causing troubles and I couldn't deal with both of them! But for the most part I had fun with her. One time I was helping Valerie get her lunch. She was being silly and said she didn't know how to stir her sauce into her rice (sorry Val!) And Grandma was right there and wasn't going to have any of that attitude, so she gave her famous lecture (#562) about bucking up and doing things your self. The few points that I got from it were:

1) No one can effect what you will be or what you can do, unless you let it get in your head. If you just keep it out in the first place, you can do anything.

2) If someone asks you to do something, you just do it. You figure out how to get it done!

3) You are beautiful and smart and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

4) You only act stupid to get your way and play a game with people. You need to grow up.

I think that was it. I had a lot on my mind. Like thinking Valerie wasn't paying enough attention. It was fun remembering all the lectures Grandma gave me! Ah the good ol' times. And I was glad she got to lecture mom's last child. I don't know if she's lectured her before, but Val took it well, so I think she might have. I didn't have to deal with giving her the pills, but she was a stubborn woman and I'm very glad I didn't have to do that. But I did have to help take her to get her hair done. When I told her (and all the five million times I had to tell her again) that we were going to go get her hair done, she said she never complains, and it is what it is, and it was a gift and didn't want to offend Stephanie. But I told her we were going to take pictures and wouldn't she love to get her hair done. She was iffy, and I said well, wouldn't it be nice to have curls like you used to? She just started crying, and I knew I had her. Crying is a very strong memory. I knew she could remember for at least a half hour! And she did. Leda tried to talk to her and she didn't remember 'cause she didn't say it the way I did, but then I told her what I had said and she tried it and Grandma said, but I don't have my check book. We told her that Lee probably had it and she could write a check when we saw him. She remembered about that for about an hour after her haircut. When we went to dinner that night with everyone she had forgotten. But it was a pretty special time. I remember her putting curlers in her hair every night when she visited and wishing I could have curlers in my hair too! Grandma didn't get to visit us a whole lot, and I was always soooo excited when we went there or she came to our place. I don't remember too much of what we did, just the feeling of happiness. I remember in Texas planning out what we would do when she came. I wanted to make cream puffs and thought since Grandma was old, she'd be able to help me. I think my mom told me that she could. Anyway, I remember sitting down with her and asking her to help me. I don't remember if we ever did. She was visiting because Helen was just new born. The next visit I remembered her very distinctly was when she lived with us for 6 months. She helped shape me into what I am today then. She taught me that if I wanted something I shouldn't ask for it. That was one sure way to get a "no". So needless to say, I got many more sweets than I should have. She taught me to deal with the kids. She'd say "she's just feeling her oats." So I can say that my mothering skills weren't all learned from my mom. I don't take any guff. And Grandma certainly didn't! She was ruthless. After the triplets were 1 years old, I think, we went up to WA to show them off to Grandma Stolp. Grandma was left with the other kids! I was so lucky to go with my parents! It was way cool! But when we got back all the kids were soooo glad that mommy and daddy were back. I've always wondered what happened then. I haven't asked my sisters. Hmmm. So I talked to Linda once about Grandma, something like "I'm so jealous that you get to live by grandma," and she blew it off and said it wasn't that great 'cause of all the lectures. I've always wondered if it was that bad, or if she was just exaggerating. I know my kids are all about going to Grandma's house! My mom and Grandma used to talk for hours on so many boring topics. I always wondered if I would ever get that smart to be able to talk to mom like that. I did get to have a really good last conversation with her. We talked about music. The composers and different pieces I could use in testing to be in the CA Music Teachers Association. It was a great conversation. I really didn't know that she knew so much. I wonder if Grandma was the same way.

So after the family reunion I took my 4 sisters home with me. They've been coming to visit me in CA ever since Julia and Leda got their licence. So we had a great time, we went to the county fair, made a pink cake for Jimmy's b-day (don't worry, he got a 7 layer all American Chocolate Cake from Costco too), went bowling for Jimmy's b-day, went on a walk in the Redwoods, swam in the Russian River, saw Batman, took Lorien to swimming lessons, watched All About Eve, Watched Camp Rock, Valerie read three Harry Potter books, went to used bookstores, went to the mall, Leda played the piano for my little ward choir, did laundry at my in-laws home, watched I-Robot, took care of my friends horses and dogs, went to the beach with the youth, and I think that was it. Oh and in the middle of all that, my dad called and said Grandma would probably die soon. She had had a massive heart attack, along with other small complications. I was flabbergasted. So we planned our trip up to WA, knowing that we wouldn't see her alive again. When Leda got the call from Ryan (really late at night) we didn't cry. Leda called dad. We could just think, Grandma's with mom. That's how it should be. I would never want to see any of my children die before me no matter what. And even in her dementia, I'm sure she thought of it. Her passing was so different for us than anyone else I think. We were grieving for our mom again. It was like she had died again. But this time she had her mom so it was sweeter than last time. We went up to WA all together, well, in separate cars. We stayed at Scott's. It was so much fun. It ruined Lorien, though. She said she didn't like our apartment, that it was too small, and she wanted to stay at Uncle Scott's house! It was cute, and a little depressing at the same time. Oh well. So we got to play with cousins. I got to see my brothers and dad again! Someone commented that I looked different since my dad got there. I don't know. But I am happier when he's there to take care of his kids! Valerie had gotten sick. It must have been all that moisture. It was a bacterial infection. Who knows. Stress could do it too, and she had had plenty of stress on the way up there. So the morning after we got there was the dressing and I was invited. We had arrived at 1:00 in the morning, so I didn't get much sleep. My phone was dead, so my normal alarm was out of commission. I tossed and turned worrying that my pda wouldn't wake me up in time. My worries were all for not. Lorien woke up way too early needing to go potty. So sleep was not to be had! The dressing was sad as to be expected. All the memories of my mom came flooding back. I tried to compose myself. To just think about Grandma and the influence she had on my life. But I kept drifting back to my mom and my throat would get tight. Chelsea asked if I was that composed at my mom's dressing. And no, I wasn't. I did bawl. But at my mom's I had to stay focused to help. Doreen made sure I was a part of it. But she didn't push. So for Grandma, Doreen was the one we looked to for direction. She had a hard time, but did much better than I thought she would. After that we went to Scott's home. We all had dinner there. A good time was had by all. Cousins got to lay and Lorien made best friends with her second cousin Hailey. (I think that's how you spell it. There was a viewing that night. So we went. Lorien didn't remember my mom. I was sad about that. But she did remember Grandma Ostler and went to touch her hand. It was very special. Anyhoo, Saturday we got to go to Scott's company party. Jimmy marveled at all the cool stuff Scott put together, or his staff. Lorien wished we could have stayed there longer. But another viewing was at 2:00pm, and the cousins had to practice for their part in the program. We went and at the end of the viewing the uncles and Doreen were to put red roses on top of Grandma's casket. They asked me to put my mom's white rose on. I was flabbergasted. Honored to have been asked and horrified at the thought of representing my mom. It was the saddest point for me. I just stood there and cried. I kept thinking, she should be here. I should have thought that maybe she was there. But my human nature craved for the flesh and blood that was my mother. Then I had to take the white rose and put it on the casket after it had moved to the chapel. I thought I was finished representing my mom. The program was wonderful. The music and words spoken calmed my heart. Then we went to the grave site. I had to put mom's rose on again. I broke down again, of course. I placed the flower on the top and moved out of the way. There were a lot of pictures taken. I like pictures taken at a funeral. Peoples emotions strip them of their facade. I was truly impressed with Ashley! Oh it made me so sad to hear about her sweet little Colbie! But to see her there sitting and cleaning the headstone. . . and she was crying, but smiling at us all who came to be with her. I just couldn't imagine. She has such the sweetest disposition, kindest heart, best smile, happiest look about her. I wish I could have stayed by her the whole time. Maybe next time. I'll just camp out right next to her to get all the great feelings flowing from her! Ryan, you are one lucky man!

After that we all went to Scott's house to play and eat and all that. Oh somewhere before that we sent off balloons with messages for Grandma, I forget when that happened, maybe Friday before Dinner. So Saturday after dinner we went to Scott's. We played night games, watched a comedian, and went to bed toooo late. Sunday we waited to the "adults" to get back from Lee's house. The Stolp's/Stevens' went to Yakama to see our Grandma and Grandpa Stolp. Lorien was just 9 months old when Grandpa Stolp died. I was neat to go back. We saw our great aunt (can't remember her name, Esther?) And then we stopped by Sandy's house for ice-cream. We got to Scott's too late. And woke up too early on Monday to drive home. It took us a long time. We stopped for lunch and dinner and took about 45 min each time! Oh well. Jimmy had to work early the next day and said he never wanted to do that again! (drive the day before he had to work.)

So during the funeral I cried for my mom mostly. I think I really was ok that Grandma died. I was grateful that my mom had her mom. Something I'll have to wait for, for a long time (hopefully!) Maybe that's what it was. My mom finally had her mom there. I want my mom here! But I can't, I know she's needed there. She was just a little too good here on earth. I love my mom and Grandma with all my heart! I wish Grandma hadn't died so soon. I wish my mom hadn't died so soon. My mortal state makes me grieve them and I miss having them around. I know they are doing a great work. I don't cry 'cause I'll never see them again, I cry because I miss having them near me. I miss the phone conversations, I miss the strength I get from my mom's experience, I miss the hugs. I miss her so much! I wish she could have overcome her illness. That by sheer will of force that she could have kicked it out of her body. I held on to that hope till the very end. But we cannot change the appointment of death. I hope my kids will feel their presence at some time or another. I hope my mom can hug her grandbaby's spirits before they come down to be with me and my sisters and brothers. I hope that none of us will forget them! I hope we can live up to the legacy they've left us. Read your scriptures, pray, go to church, go to the Temple, love one another, believe in Christ, live with hime someday. I love you Mommmy! I love you Grandma Ostler!
Now that my "book" is over, I leave you with my love. . .

Annie